obstacle, again..

again..my last last post, i was hoping that February would be nice to me..February would bring good news to me..ya, utk mggu pertama, it was okay..but then, it's getting worst..and make me cry again and again..tak ubah macam February 2011, which is last year..bulan paling banyak buat aku nangis..same thing goes with this year,with the same month..cuma hal je yg berbeza.. :'( takpe..dugaan dari Allah S.W.T..

the most thing yg buat aku sangat2 sedih is, i am not continuing my study..yes, i am..sebab paling utama, keadaan mak yang kurang memuaskan..dan dengan keadaan dia tu, aku HARUS ada disisi dia, all the time..so, i decide that aku cancel the offer..dah called pihak HEP uitm sabah, dah maklumkan kat diorang..saat aku buat keputusan tu, i was so sad..sangat2 sedih..i cried, almost all the time, for 3 days..aku terpaksa.kalau boleh, sayang nak lepaskan peluang yg terbukak luas..sambung study for at least sampai degree, is my impian dari kecik, dari aku sekolah rendah..sebab tengok sepupu2 aku time tu berjaya sampai degree, aku pun nak ikut mcm diorg..habis spm, i wait for almost a year sebelum dapat offer sambung Pre-Science..in biology major..my cousins yg dah lama abis study smpai degree semua tu and yg dah dpt keja yg bagus2, they ask me, am i sure nak still sambung in sciences stream..dan aku fikir, time apply, ada 4 choices utk course..and Pre-Science is my third choices..kalau dah aku di offer utk course yg berada in my third choices, then mmg aku ditakdirkan lah utk ambik aliran tu..then setahun, in Pre-Science..sambung in Diploma..and 3 tahun berlalu, dah successfully tamat in Diploma, and i really can't wait nak sambung Degree..almost nak capai dah impian tu..almost..but now, i have to let go..let go that opportunity..i was really really sad..this is what happened bila jadi anak tunggal..people might think aku anak manja, ape nak semua dapat..no, i am not that kind of anak tunggal..jadi anak tunggal, semua tanggungjawab akan atas bahu aku sorg je..bila umur makin meningkat, makin berat rasa bahu..org mungkin takkan faham apa aku rasa..tp Allah S.W.T faham segalanya..demi mak, nyawa pun aku sanggup gadai..even sedih, tp i have to face it..bukan rezeki aku kot..maybe kelak, akan ada peluang yg lebeh baik dr ni..mane tau kan..ada hikmah di sebalik semua ni.. Allah knows best..Dia dah menentukan semua nya..aku sebagai manusia hanya mampu merancang je..for now, tgh carik keja..dalam masa yg sama, try apply UniMaS..kalau dpt kat situ senang lah..boleh balik rumah everyday..dlm masa yg sama akan ada disisi mak, all the time..InsyaAllah..dlm perancangan.. :') iloveyousomuch, mak..hope mak cepat sihat.. :')

time susah mcm ni, kta akan dapat tengok who real family, and who not..also, who real friends, and who not..syukur buat masa sekarang, best friends time senang, pun ade time susah..Alhamdulilah..diorang non stop bagi semangat kat aku, suruh aku jadi kuat..for now, i am strong enough..but i don't know, sooner or later.. :) really can't wait utk bulan May..it's my convocation, for diploma..for sure, my mak akan ikut..and my uncle auntie cousins..diorg semua pun nak ikut..maybe taknak bagi aku sedih lagi, sbb tak continue degree..so diorang nak buat convocation diploma aku adalah sangattt berharga..huhu.. appreciate sangat2.. :') mana tau nnti aku dpt UniMaS, konvo degree, semuaaa org boleh attend...hehe..Amin,InsyaAllah.. :) btw, time bulan May nnti, nak stay lama cket kat Shah Alam..sebab lepas ni aku akan sangattt jaranggg pegi sana dah..and i'm going to miss it.. :')

really thank you to Vane and Miems, for today..bawak me klua..lepak-ing kat The Spring..setakat minum2 and cakap2..and gelak2..hee..then pegi Emart jap beli ikan ayam sayur...anak dara mithali, beli brg basah utk masak..dah boleh jadi isteri..ngee.. xD

thank you so much, sayangs.! for the day.! :D actually plan sebenar is lain..tp atas sebab2 teknikal yg tak dapat dielak, plan tu berubah..with Vane yg sebok taking care of her sister yg sarat pregnant tggu masa nak give a birth je lagi..and Miems yg busy jadi anak mak tlg mak buat itu ini kat rumah n susah nak klua..and me, yg busy with my mom yg unwell and dah takde masa utk diri sendiri..tapi kteorg still try carik masa terluang sekejap and meet up..Sel pun dah lama aku tak jumpa..Siti.? kdg2 plan tiba2 pun kteorg bley jumpa..maklumlah rumah dah dekat..hihi..InsyaAllah kalau ade masa jumpa lagi.. :D loveyouboth.!

p/s : Kesedihan bukanlah krna diri kita tidak disayangi,bknlah disebabkan kita dibenci, tapi itulah cara Allah SWT mengampunkan dosa2 kita.. :')

obstacle..

no one knows how it feels..they just fikir yg ala benda biasa..well, aku mmg nmpk mcm biasa..and i was there when people needs me..but back then, when i need people to help me, bukan setakat batang hidong, bekas tapak kaki pun tak nampak..when i think back, brapa byk sacrifice yg aku buat, tp just mcm tu je lah..yeah, buat baik sgt pun susah..karang jadi jahat semuaaaaa nak kutuk, semuaaaaa nak fitnah, semuaaaaa nak cakap blakang..tak kira ahli keluarga sendiri atau org luar..sigh..takpa..Allah s.w.t akan sentiasa menguji hamba-Nya..nak tengok setakat mana kekuatan dan kesabaran..setakat ni, Alhamdulilah aku kuat..

mak..mak sakit..tak tahu sakit apa..dah cek kat klinik..cek darah, blood pressure and everything..but the doctors said she's fine..maybe salah mkn ubat..then dah tukar ubat, ok kejap..but then, jd balik..ya Allah..what is actually happen to my mom..? dah berubat with perubatan Islam..then, jd okay..lepas tu, jadi balik..now getting worst..dia makin kurus..she looks pale..n always baring je..i'm scared..i'm scared if anything happen..she is my everything..she is my life..don't took her from me, ya Allah..dia lah satu2 nya yg aku ada kat dunia ni..tolong, jauhkan segala penyakit dari dia..bagi lah dia kesihatan yang baik, mcm dulu..bagi lah aku peluang utk menyara hidup dia..bagi lah peluang utk dia tgk aku berkahwin n bagi cucu yg banyak mcm yg dia slalu cakap..bagi lah aku jaga dia..bagi lah dia peluang utk dia hadir konvokesyen ijazah sarjana muda aku, bukan diploma..bagi aku peluang utk balas segala yg dia dah korbankan sepanjang membesarkan aku..i still need her..i need her, more than anything.. :'(

i cry, again..for don't know how many time..lepas satu, satu Allah bagi dugaan..but i know, things happen for a reason..mak cakap, Allah sayang kte, sbb tu dia bagi dugaan..kte kena sama2 jadi kuat.. :')
and tadi, mak nangis..dia ingat aku tak nmpk..tp aku tahu..people ignore us..people anggap kteorg mcm burden..people ingat mak aku sakit biasa2..people ingat mak aku pura2..people really2 sambil lewa psl dia..especially, her own siblings..sigh..it's okay, mak..i'm here..i am ur one n only daughter..and i will take care of u, till my last breathe..aku tak kisah kalau aku terpaksa drive ke sana ke mari sbb nak ubatkan mak..aku tak kisah korbankan masa utk mak..aku tak kisah dah..janji mak sihat balik..

n now, dah hari ke-2 mak kat kpg..and mak suruh aku jaga rumah, jgn biar rumah kosong buat masa ni..mlm pertama sorg2 kat rumah, kepala otak ingat kat mak..then aku nangis..dah ajak kwn tidur skali, because i really really need someone kat sisi aku, bagi semangat at least..tapi.........takpelah..semua org ada hal masing2..bukan setakat melayan aku je..it's okay..aku kuat.. :') and aku ni mmg jenis ssh nak tido..now tido sorg2 kat umah, lagi la susah nak lelap kan mata..dekat nak subuh baru tido..and dah tido, i dream about my nenek..nenek ckp (tnpa bukak mulut), org time senang semua ada, tp bila time kta susah, sorg pun takda. dila kena kuat k..demi mak..bawak byk bersabar..then i woke up..Alfatihah for nenek..belom smpai sejam pun tido, dah bgn balik..n nangis..nek, how i wish u still here..i miss you, nenek..really miss you.. :'( but, dila akan simpan kata2 nenek..i will be strong..for mom..insya'Allah.. :')

p/s : no matter what, no matter how, i will always be strong..till the end of my life..for you, mom..i love you, more than anything..only Allah knows everything.. :)

my sacrifice..

it has been a few days..rasa pressure sangat2..sigh..
i have to sacrifice a lots of things..sacrifice my time..and now, my money..aku terpaksa simpan angan2 aku nak dapat blackberry sebagai hadiah harijadi + hadiah graduation..sebab mak sendiri perlu duit sekarang..tak nak mintak ape2 kat mak, eventough aku tak pernah nak mintak barang2 mahal pun dr dia..even tough mak pernah suruh aku pilih nak blackberry or galaxy tab as a gift..and sekarang aku harus bgtau kat mak, tak nak lah gift tu..mak lagi perlu duit..takpe, mak..nnti dila dah habis study dah keja, dila beli sendiri okay.. :') nak bayar hutang kat Sel gak..i owe her some amount of money jugak..tp tak banyak..even dia cakap jangan bayar dulu, but still, aku nak bayar gak..kte mane tau ajal maut bila kan..so kena langsai kan hutang, kalau tak, tak leh lepas ke alam yg satu tu.. :) ngan ayah pun ade hutang..sigh..hutang sebab nak beli hadiah harijadi utk mak ari tu..even mak bebel sebab beli hadiah yg agak expensive, tapi at least i don't regret about it..even aku akan tersenyum lebar bila dpt beli something yg valuable utk mak..for her, i don't care..aku tak berkira,even aku rasa lebih puas belanja mahal2 utk mak..now nak fikir, nak bayar kat Min..dia dah tolong ambik barang2 aku kat umah sewa..nak bayar dia utk minyak kereta, tol, and segala usaha dia..appreciate sgt2 and ingat nak bagi duit awal bulan hari tu, tp sumpah demi Allah aku sengkek sangat2..this week nak bayar kat Najla gak sbb dia dah tolong ambik transkrip, bayar transkrip and charge utk post kan transkrip ke Kuching..not really mahal, tak sampai rm50..maybe rm20+..not a big deal..yg ade sekarang pun cukup utk bayar Najla..

sigh..i owe too much to them, with my friends..Sel, Mint, Najla, Siti Saba...Siti slalu blanja aku makan ABC..aku rasa serba salah and awkward..since before balik Kuching dah janji nak g makan kat Sushi King ngan dia, tp till now tak kesampaian..slalu sgt mintak duit mak..mak sndri pun nak guna duit..takpe lah, Siti..insyaAllah nnti k..cuti panjang kan.. :)

and this, i don't know how to explain..i guess, tak payah lah..simpan utk sendiri..even sakit, telan je.. :') nak nangis, nangis je lah puas2 smpai klua air mata darah..rasa burden sgt2 dlm dada & otak..i'm afraid with what future brings me to..i'm afraid of losing my own mind..i'm afraid of everything..everynight always having a great nightmare, smpai aku takut nak tido..and those hurt me..my past, they all come back, haunting me..Ya Allah..jauhkan semua tu dari aku..tolong lah..
no..no..no..!! enough.! i have to be strong..i need to be more stronger..aku tak boleh biarkan semua tu kacau hidup aku..i will try to make my self busy, even more busier..i'll try to be happy, even more happier..i won't let them disturb me again..yes..! i am strong, bold and happy..i will try to find my own ability to overcome each obstacle..yes, i am..even my auntie, didn't believe that i am happy now..auntie, i AM happy now, REALLY HAPPY..trust me..thanks for ur kindness and care a lots about me, auntie..dah anggap macam mak sendiri..i love you so much..and HARUS tunjuk kat ayah yg i can be a success person, without him in my life.. :')

p/s : I am currently making some changes in my life.. So, if you don't hear from me anymore then you're probably one of them.. :)