my sacrifice..

it has been a few days..rasa pressure sangat2..sigh..
i have to sacrifice a lots of things..sacrifice my time..and now, my money..aku terpaksa simpan angan2 aku nak dapat blackberry sebagai hadiah harijadi + hadiah graduation..sebab mak sendiri perlu duit sekarang..tak nak mintak ape2 kat mak, eventough aku tak pernah nak mintak barang2 mahal pun dr dia..even tough mak pernah suruh aku pilih nak blackberry or galaxy tab as a gift..and sekarang aku harus bgtau kat mak, tak nak lah gift tu..mak lagi perlu duit..takpe, mak..nnti dila dah habis study dah keja, dila beli sendiri okay.. :') nak bayar hutang kat Sel gak..i owe her some amount of money jugak..tp tak banyak..even dia cakap jangan bayar dulu, but still, aku nak bayar gak..kte mane tau ajal maut bila kan..so kena langsai kan hutang, kalau tak, tak leh lepas ke alam yg satu tu.. :) ngan ayah pun ade hutang..sigh..hutang sebab nak beli hadiah harijadi utk mak ari tu..even mak bebel sebab beli hadiah yg agak expensive, tapi at least i don't regret about it..even aku akan tersenyum lebar bila dpt beli something yg valuable utk mak..for her, i don't care..aku tak berkira,even aku rasa lebih puas belanja mahal2 utk mak..now nak fikir, nak bayar kat Min..dia dah tolong ambik barang2 aku kat umah sewa..nak bayar dia utk minyak kereta, tol, and segala usaha dia..appreciate sgt2 and ingat nak bagi duit awal bulan hari tu, tp sumpah demi Allah aku sengkek sangat2..this week nak bayar kat Najla gak sbb dia dah tolong ambik transkrip, bayar transkrip and charge utk post kan transkrip ke Kuching..not really mahal, tak sampai rm50..maybe rm20+..not a big deal..yg ade sekarang pun cukup utk bayar Najla..

sigh..i owe too much to them, with my friends..Sel, Mint, Najla, Siti Saba...Siti slalu blanja aku makan ABC..aku rasa serba salah and awkward..since before balik Kuching dah janji nak g makan kat Sushi King ngan dia, tp till now tak kesampaian..slalu sgt mintak duit mak..mak sndri pun nak guna duit..takpe lah, Siti..insyaAllah nnti k..cuti panjang kan.. :)

and this, i don't know how to explain..i guess, tak payah lah..simpan utk sendiri..even sakit, telan je.. :') nak nangis, nangis je lah puas2 smpai klua air mata darah..rasa burden sgt2 dlm dada & otak..i'm afraid with what future brings me to..i'm afraid of losing my own mind..i'm afraid of everything..everynight always having a great nightmare, smpai aku takut nak tido..and those hurt me..my past, they all come back, haunting me..Ya Allah..jauhkan semua tu dari aku..tolong lah..
no..no..no..!! enough.! i have to be strong..i need to be more stronger..aku tak boleh biarkan semua tu kacau hidup aku..i will try to make my self busy, even more busier..i'll try to be happy, even more happier..i won't let them disturb me again..yes..! i am strong, bold and happy..i will try to find my own ability to overcome each obstacle..yes, i am..even my auntie, didn't believe that i am happy now..auntie, i AM happy now, REALLY HAPPY..trust me..thanks for ur kindness and care a lots about me, auntie..dah anggap macam mak sendiri..i love you so much..and HARUS tunjuk kat ayah yg i can be a success person, without him in my life.. :')

p/s : I am currently making some changes in my life.. So, if you don't hear from me anymore then you're probably one of them.. :)